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it's only a beginning

people don't like change. it's so much better to stay where is familiar to you, where you are. nobody likes getting out of their comfort zone. it's foreign, it's unwanted. change is hard.

whichever way you slice it, change means something. it's the beginning of something new. now, whether it is a change for the good or a change for the worse, is always up to you. change is choice. even when the change that comes over you is not one you would have chosen for yourself, or whether it's some unavoidable situation you feel you can't handle, you can change the way you look at it. change is going to come, and we can't avoid it. we grow. we feel pain. we die. it's the attitude that we face change with that makes all the difference in the world.

change means opportunity. it means new beginnings. face change with strength, but don't be indifferent. you will be changed, you will be tested. your defenses may need to crumble in the process, but don't let that crumble you. change is going to come. you've just got to meet it.

you'll be alright

once you finish reading this, just close your eyes and let it unfold in your mind's eye. let yourself feel it, wherever you are, and whatever you were doing before you started reading this.

imagine that right now, you're out in a deserted street, trapped in the middle of a strom. you're soaked to the skin in a freezing rain. uncertainty clouds your mind. do you try make it back to your house, or just try stand under a doorway until the worst of the strom is over? a fork of lightning lights up the sky, and for a fleeting moment, everything around you is lit up in an odd purple-white light. you can see the houses, standing tall against the strom. the puddles of water at your feet, the sides of the road flooding, rain pouring in waterfalls from the sidewalks. the orange street lightbulb flickers dully, spending more time off than on. the wind roars in your ears, threatening to knock you over, making your skin feel colder than ever. you sink your hands deep into your drenched pockets, but your fingers are already turning numb with the cold, and the soaked material offers no warmth. another flash of lightning forks through the skies, followed by a roaring clap of thunder. somewhere in the back of your mind, a little voice from your memory speaks, reminding you that a bus stop or a car is the safest place to be in the middle of a storm, as long as you don't touch anything metallic. but the rain doesn't give you a moment to look for that safe place. the lightbulb in the streetlamp dies out completely, and you're left in the dark, with only the lightning to light up your way. there's no one to call. there's nowhere to go.

storms don't last forever. eventually, the rain subsides. the lightning becomes more spaced out. the thunder rumbles somewhere in the far distance. the winds die out. the lightbulb doesn't flicker on, but at least it doesnt feel like a struggle to keep your eyes open against the pouring rain. your skin is still freezing, your clothes drenched. but at least you can make sense of where to go. your teeth chatter, your muscles cramp with the cold. but you keep walking. you keep walking and you don't stop. you keep walking until you make your way home.

it's the next week, and you're recovering from a cold. but that's the point. you're recovering. the worst is over. you can breathe freely again. the memories are burnt into your mind, that feeling of being trapped, of being hopelessly lost. but they're over. you've made it back home, and now they're just memories. you tape the memories in a box in your head, and leave them in some dark corner. 

that's the point about storms. they pass. they could leave you trapped, out of your comfort zone. but whatever's going on, it won't last. right in that moment it hurts, and it might feel like you've nowhere to turn to. but that's everyone else talking. there's always a way. you just have to find it.

so yeah. you will be alright.
mistakes suck. they're the kind of things that are stuck in the back of your mind while you're having a conversation with someone. they latch themselves deep into your thoughts, unwilling to let go. and while you do your best to avoid those mistakes... mistakes happen.

you start over again and again, in the hope of being in some new place where nobody knows your past, who you are, what you've done. and yet, in each new place that you venture to, you say something insensitive, or you do something you don't mean. and then the mistakes, the insecurities, the doubts... they just start piling up.

but that's the point. everyone makes mistakes. mistakes make us human. we're not perfect, and the pain that we feel when we hurt someone we love, or when somone we love hurts us... it's what makes us human. nobody ever said life was a walk in the park. it's not always sunny days. it's not all smiles and bright lights. we're not supposed to like it. but that's exactly what makes us human. mistakes. the fact that we can make mistakes and we can start over tomorrow. and maybe deep down in our hearts, we're counting on that. we're counting on the fact that tomorrow is going to be a new day, a new day in which we can start over, and we can make amends for our mistakes. we can tell our loved ones that yesterday is over, and that we do love them, and that whatever mistake we made can be fixed. a new day. filled with new opportunities. filled with the possibility of joy, with the hope of tomorrow.

to the victims of the tragedy

i just really felt i had to sit down and write something about todays date. i don't know anyone personally who was a victim or who is related to someone who passed away in the tragedy, but nontheless, tears were still shed for the lost lives of these people on the day when the world stood still. 

i don't know what a loss like that feels like, but i do know what loss is. so here is to all the victims in the tragedy which struck eleven years ago: you will be remembered. our prayers are with your souls. our hearts are with the families left behind. one day, you will be together again.

hope is stronger than fear. hope is what you hold on to when theres nothing left. hope is the thing which gives you strength when you've got none to stand up. and while fear may shake your bones and tear down every piece of strength, hope is still stronger. the strong heartbeats of a thousand united people will bring you to your feet again. 


an update from mars

i have to say its been ages since i last posted anything on this blog. shame on me, right? feels almost like i've been to another planet and taken refuge behind some martian rock. point is, i have acess to a computer and internet, and i've taken a break from musical homework - which,  by the way, was a break from watching tv, which was a break from summer - so i decided to come back here and write something constructive. the functional word being 'write'. my scribbles don't tend to be particularly constructive. 

so here i am, on vacation, a pretty short one this time. i'm visiting my beautiful homeland, which i've missed so much ever since i had to move away years ago. my thoughts continually take me to the new musical instrument which i hope to start learning very soon, and to the cat who who shares my name and who was unwell just around an hour ago. its peaceful here, a change of scene. allows me to take a step back from life and start again, even if its just for a few days. maybe when i return to my place again i could have a clearer head and not one filled with chemistry notes and exams. its been a hopeful vacation, one which reminded me that dreams are never too far away from becoming reality if you want them badly enough. philosophical, no? 

philosophical as it may seem, my vacation hasn't been a particularly reflective one. unless you consider sitting down beside the pool with a good book, or sitting on the couch with the cat, or playing badminton and then jumping in the pool reflective. it's been more like a break from routine, which i desperately needed. a great time to head back to the family i haven't seen for ages, and to listen to some great music. by the way, folks, the last night of the BBC Proms was great. wonderful musicians bringing music to life. it felt so great to have the opportunity to watch a local artist performing! point is, music has been and still is a major part of any holiday i take. and i truly hope it remains that way.

big dreams fill my mind, ones i hope will someday become reality. harmonic thoughts pop in and out of my head, and i can't wait for the time when music will become something much bigger than it currently is. i'm talking of course, about real music, not the electronic kind which is forgotten the moment you finish hearing the 'song', or one which is stuck horribly inside your head due to its horribly catchy tune like that annoying piece of paper stuck to the bottom of your foot which despite how long you shake off, it sticks there stubbornly. makes me want to grab a bunch of fellow musicians and convince them to join an army so that real music will once more dominate the planet. now i know some people might not agree with me on the meaning of real music, but hey, i'm just voicing an opinion.

the long time since i've last posted deserved a long new post, but i doubt i'll bore you any longer. i'm not even sure what this post was originally about anyway. musical suggestion? head to youtube and check out the incredible soundtrack to the Harry Potter movies, to the Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe movie from the Narnia series, and Hans Zimmer's Inception soundtrack. great stuff.

i shall be back with an update from planet earth, hopefully soon. stay tuned!


this isn't everything you are

ever had that moment when you're not sure whether the person you are is the person people make you out to be? when the image of how people see you sticks so well, that you start to believe in it too. and really, when you start believing in it, you start becoming it. and the person you really are is suddenly lost under piles of fragments that people want you to be. and when they're done and tired of you, because the person they created isn't enough for them.

so let's put it this way. be who you are. nobody else is going to replace you. why make yourself a replica of a bunch of different people just because they want you to? there is absolutely nobody in the world: no one from your past, your present or the future is going to be exactly like you. nobody is going to look exactly like you, or is going to sound exactly like you or is going to be you. its a big deal, really. and quite a lot to think about.

when you look in the mirror and see someone else standing in your skin... keep telling yourself: this isn't everything you are

we were meant to be somebody...

there's one thing we need to do. we just need to let go of everything holding us down. there's a world of possibilities out there. so step out of your comfort zone. travel the world. scream with a thousand other fans at a concert of your favorite musical artist. take ten thousand pictures to capture ten thousand memories. be with the people you love. take a step into the unknown and discover a whole new world you never dreamed about before. play music like its a lifeline which is going to save you. shine, because you are beautiful. eat a tub of chocolate, because hey, it's good for you. be who you want to be, because you're unique and there's no one who can take your place. be imperfect, because perfection is so overrated. live your dreams today, because one day you might not be able to. dream; the world isn't limited to reality. learn so you can expand who you are. invent things like chocolate day and cookie day and live them to the fullest. don't change what makes you you, because losing yourself isn't going to fix anything. reach out to the skies on a summer night. grab a person you love and give them a special day. let them know you are there. you can do anything. you have potential, you have all the tools you need to get out there and do something with your life. make it big. make it worth it.

we were meant to be somebody. who we are meant to be... now that's something else. who to be is up to us.  


the evil writer's block - part 2

and the writer's block is back again. it hasn't been a bad weekend. i mean, i wrote (figuratively, i didn't actually write it, but i did finish it) a cover for a few of my favorite songs, went to the place i call home, met the family i havent seen in months, and spent a day in the sun, dreaming of summer. and yet, i am here with a writer's block the size of Jupiter. i could grab my guitar with the intention of writing a song, or  i could head out somewhere outside with pen and a paper but no useful words would come out. its annoying and frustrating, but there's nothing i can do about it.

missing the long days of summer,
the girl with the writers block.

p.s. dear writer's block, do give me my words back. stop stalking me like a leprechaun who's found a few gold coins.  
you know how there's that one thing that you love just more than anything else =) when it happens to be music, and you're with a bunch of people who love it just as much as you do, it's like heaven on earth. its like the whole world just suddenly disappears and you're left inside this bubble with the one thing you love and the people you're sharing it with. suddenly, nothing else seems to matter, or maybe it does, but still you forget about it. music to me is my getaway, its one of the few things in which nothing goes wrong. its the one place in which, whatever happens in the real world, you can escape to and it will welcome you like a friend. there's something inexplicable, beyond words, a world of just sound and magic which can rise to life something unnamable but which still is the thing that you could  live inside forever.

it might seem like an exaggeration, but music has been on my mind so much lately. working with my band has probably been one of the coolest things that i've put myself through this year. won't regret it! stay tuned for more musical posts =)
a confusion of thoughts circle round your head like a bunch of vultures, waiting for something to happen... when that goes on in your head, it's maddening. it's like wanting something nameless, so you can't reach out and grab it simply because you don't know what it is. when you want to be somebody, but you don't know who, because every day is like flipping past photographs of a bunch of different people. when you say something which turns out to be more than you ever wanted to say, but still not enough, because there's still that wanting gnawing hungrily at your insides. when all you can do is wait and wait, but you don't know what for. that's what it's like. there's this person in your head, whom you want to be, because it is a person you think that other people would like and because its a person that you would like, but in your attempt to be that person, you not only forget who you truly are, but you also become someone you don't like. 

it's a confusion, like a rattling empty cage hanging in the wind. like a symphony with a confusion of notes, it's like a song you want to write but you don't know the right words to. and the thing about it, is that you don't know how to stop.