i'm better off on my own

it's just easier that way.

everything has changed

people die. every day. each day, every second, somewhere in the world someone is closing their eyes for the last time, taking a last breath, losing a fight for their life.

and the worst part is that there's nothing we can do to stop it.

oh, we can come up with medications to prolong life. we can study for years on how to make youthful years last longer, make ourselves look younger, more beautiful, more perfect. but there's no stopping it. some day we're all going to close our eyes one last time and head on to another strange adventure in another world.

so if we can't stop what's coming, we just have to wait for it, right?

don't wait until someone is gone to say you are sorry. don't wait until someone is sick to visit them and be the best friend you could be. don't wait until someone is on the verge of heading off to the next life to make amends for your past mistakes. take the opportunity, each and every day, to be the best person you can be, not for yourself, but for the people around you. love, because you can, because the world always needs a little more love. put down the weapons, a war is not worth fighting. the man standing across you with a gun is someone's son and has a life too. don't wait until an enemy is gone to say you're guilty enough to say you're sorry for whatever made you enemies in the first place.  don't wait until someone is gone to the place you cannot follow - at least not for now - until you realize that there's so much more to say.

because, really. there's so much more to say. don't wait to say it.

wherever in the world you are right now, imagine that you are invisible. imagine that you are nothing but air, a ghost behind a glass. you are silent, watchful. you are words unspoken, an invisible wanting.

imagine that you have the freedom of travelling wherever you want, all around the world without the necessecity of a car, plane, boat, bike or any other method of trasnportation. you can hear everything, see everything. you can feel everything. imagine the sights, the vast oceans, the towering cities, the proud mountains.

you'd know exactly how people look at you. you'd know what people believe, why they do the things that they do. you'd be able to see what people go through every day, even if they live miles and miles from where you do, entire states, countries, oceans away. you might realize that right in this moment, there is someone starving for a piece of bread, parched from days of scorching heat. you might realise that somewhere a motherless child is crying for come company. you might realize that even though your life has been pretty great, there are people suffering.

do something for someone else today. smile at a stranger in the street. pay your sibling a compliment. write a postive note and leave it on a park bench for someone to read. make someone feel happy.

being that invisible person has its advantages. you get the chance to listen. 

when you try your best but you don't succeed

there are just those days when nothing falls into place. everything refuses to work the way it's supposed to. everything you want slips through your fingers like the water you're trying so hard to hold. you fold the paper cranes but they fly away from your grasp. you wish and you want, but the candles you blow out are just smoke in the dark. 

and yet, there's always that one thing which turns out alright in the end. after an entire hour and a half of a bad horror movie, there's still the 'and they lived happily ever after'. you can turn the page and find the ending you've been looking for. we won't break, we won't die. it's just a moment of change. 

let the water slip through your fingers. let everything slide out of place. if it's meant to be then eventually it'll end up exactly where it's meant to be. 

oh, and by the way. happy halloween!

it's only a beginning

people don't like change. it's so much better to stay where is familiar to you, where you are. nobody likes getting out of their comfort zone. it's foreign, it's unwanted. change is hard.

whichever way you slice it, change means something. it's the beginning of something new. now, whether it is a change for the good or a change for the worse, is always up to you. change is choice. even when the change that comes over you is not one you would have chosen for yourself, or whether it's some unavoidable situation you feel you can't handle, you can change the way you look at it. change is going to come, and we can't avoid it. we grow. we feel pain. we die. it's the attitude that we face change with that makes all the difference in the world.

change means opportunity. it means new beginnings. face change with strength, but don't be indifferent. you will be changed, you will be tested. your defenses may need to crumble in the process, but don't let that crumble you. change is going to come. you've just got to meet it.

you'll be alright

once you finish reading this, just close your eyes and let it unfold in your mind's eye. let yourself feel it, wherever you are, and whatever you were doing before you started reading this.

imagine that right now, you're out in a deserted street, trapped in the middle of a strom. you're soaked to the skin in a freezing rain. uncertainty clouds your mind. do you try make it back to your house, or just try stand under a doorway until the worst of the strom is over? a fork of lightning lights up the sky, and for a fleeting moment, everything around you is lit up in an odd purple-white light. you can see the houses, standing tall against the strom. the puddles of water at your feet, the sides of the road flooding, rain pouring in waterfalls from the sidewalks. the orange street lightbulb flickers dully, spending more time off than on. the wind roars in your ears, threatening to knock you over, making your skin feel colder than ever. you sink your hands deep into your drenched pockets, but your fingers are already turning numb with the cold, and the soaked material offers no warmth. another flash of lightning forks through the skies, followed by a roaring clap of thunder. somewhere in the back of your mind, a little voice from your memory speaks, reminding you that a bus stop or a car is the safest place to be in the middle of a storm, as long as you don't touch anything metallic. but the rain doesn't give you a moment to look for that safe place. the lightbulb in the streetlamp dies out completely, and you're left in the dark, with only the lightning to light up your way. there's no one to call. there's nowhere to go.

storms don't last forever. eventually, the rain subsides. the lightning becomes more spaced out. the thunder rumbles somewhere in the far distance. the winds die out. the lightbulb doesn't flicker on, but at least it doesnt feel like a struggle to keep your eyes open against the pouring rain. your skin is still freezing, your clothes drenched. but at least you can make sense of where to go. your teeth chatter, your muscles cramp with the cold. but you keep walking. you keep walking and you don't stop. you keep walking until you make your way home.

it's the next week, and you're recovering from a cold. but that's the point. you're recovering. the worst is over. you can breathe freely again. the memories are burnt into your mind, that feeling of being trapped, of being hopelessly lost. but they're over. you've made it back home, and now they're just memories. you tape the memories in a box in your head, and leave them in some dark corner. 

that's the point about storms. they pass. they could leave you trapped, out of your comfort zone. but whatever's going on, it won't last. right in that moment it hurts, and it might feel like you've nowhere to turn to. but that's everyone else talking. there's always a way. you just have to find it.

so yeah. you will be alright.

mistakes suck. they're the kind of things that are stuck in the back of your mind while you're having a conversation with someone. they latch themselves deep into your thoughts, unwilling to let go. and while you do your best to avoid those mistakes... mistakes happen.

you start over again and again, in the hope of being in some new place where nobody knows your past, who you are, what you've done. and yet, in each new place that you venture to, you say something insensitive, or you do something you don't mean. and then the mistakes, the insecurities, the doubts... they just start piling up.

but that's the point. everyone makes mistakes. mistakes make us human. we're not perfect, and the pain that we feel when we hurt someone we love, or when somone we love hurts us... it's what makes us human. nobody ever said life was a walk in the park. it's not always sunny days. it's not all smiles and bright lights. we're not supposed to like it. but that's exactly what makes us human. mistakes. the fact that we can make mistakes and we can start over tomorrow. and maybe deep down in our hearts, we're counting on that. we're counting on the fact that tomorrow is going to be a new day, a new day in which we can start over, and we can make amends for our mistakes. we can tell our loved ones that yesterday is over, and that we do love them, and that whatever mistake we made can be fixed. a new day. filled with new opportunities. filled with the possibility of joy, with the hope of tomorrow.

to the victims of the tragedy

i just really felt i had to sit down and write something about todays date. i don't know anyone personally who was a victim or who is related to someone who passed away in the tragedy, but nontheless, tears were still shed for the lost lives of these people on the day when the world stood still. 

i don't know what a loss like that feels like, but i do know what loss is. so here is to all the victims in the tragedy which struck eleven years ago: you will be remembered. our prayers are with your souls. our hearts are with the families left behind. one day, you will be together again.

hope is stronger than fear. hope is what you hold on to when theres nothing left. hope is the thing which gives you strength when you've got none to stand up. and while fear may shake your bones and tear down every piece of strength, hope is still stronger. the strong heartbeats of a thousand united people will bring you to your feet again. 


an update from mars

i have to say its been ages since i last posted anything on this blog. shame on me, right? feels almost like i've been to another planet and taken refuge behind some martian rock. point is, i have acess to a computer and internet, and i've taken a break from musical homework - which,  by the way, was a break from watching tv, which was a break from summer - so i decided to come back here and write something constructive. the functional word being 'write'. my scribbles don't tend to be particularly constructive. 

so here i am, on vacation, a pretty short one this time. i'm visiting my beautiful homeland, which i've missed so much ever since i had to move away years ago. my thoughts continually take me to the new musical instrument which i hope to start learning very soon, and to the cat who who shares my name and who was unwell just around an hour ago. its peaceful here, a change of scene. allows me to take a step back from life and start again, even if its just for a few days. maybe when i return to my place again i could have a clearer head and not one filled with chemistry notes and exams. its been a hopeful vacation, one which reminded me that dreams are never too far away from becoming reality if you want them badly enough. philosophical, no? 

philosophical as it may seem, my vacation hasn't been a particularly reflective one. unless you consider sitting down beside the pool with a good book, or sitting on the couch with the cat, or playing badminton and then jumping in the pool reflective. it's been more like a break from routine, which i desperately needed. a great time to head back to the family i haven't seen for ages, and to listen to some great music. by the way, folks, the last night of the BBC Proms was great. wonderful musicians bringing music to life. it felt so great to have the opportunity to watch a local artist performing! point is, music has been and still is a major part of any holiday i take. and i truly hope it remains that way.

big dreams fill my mind, ones i hope will someday become reality. harmonic thoughts pop in and out of my head, and i can't wait for the time when music will become something much bigger than it currently is. i'm talking of course, about real music, not the electronic kind which is forgotten the moment you finish hearing the 'song', or one which is stuck horribly inside your head due to its horribly catchy tune like that annoying piece of paper stuck to the bottom of your foot which despite how long you shake off, it sticks there stubbornly. makes me want to grab a bunch of fellow musicians and convince them to join an army so that real music will once more dominate the planet. now i know some people might not agree with me on the meaning of real music, but hey, i'm just voicing an opinion.

the long time since i've last posted deserved a long new post, but i doubt i'll bore you any longer. i'm not even sure what this post was originally about anyway. musical suggestion? head to youtube and check out the incredible soundtrack to the Harry Potter movies, to the Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe movie from the Narnia series, and Hans Zimmer's Inception soundtrack. great stuff.

i shall be back with an update from planet earth, hopefully soon. stay tuned!


this isn't everything you are

ever had that moment when you're not sure whether the person you are is the person people make you out to be? when the image of how people see you sticks so well, that you start to believe in it too. and really, when you start believing in it, you start becoming it. and the person you really are is suddenly lost under piles of fragments that people want you to be. and when they're done and tired of you, because the person they created isn't enough for them.

so let's put it this way. be who you are. nobody else is going to replace you. why make yourself a replica of a bunch of different people just because they want you to? there is absolutely nobody in the world: no one from your past, your present or the future is going to be exactly like you. nobody is going to look exactly like you, or is going to sound exactly like you or is going to be you. its a big deal, really. and quite a lot to think about.

when you look in the mirror and see someone else standing in your skin... keep telling yourself: this isn't everything you are