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from the outside looking in

this is my life. i've built my life on the other side of the glass, and i've lost the key to the other side. or maybe there never was a door in the first place and all that is left is a paper and a pen and all the words spilling out of my mind.

the world is so quiet sometimes, and i am in love with that stillness. i am in love with the sounds that people don't pay attention to, with the way it feels to sit by a window in the dark and watch the stars.

so i'm on the outside. and i guess that's okay. this is my life, and i am grateful.

this is how i disappear - part 2

"...this feeling
like i'm here, but i'm not...
like i belong somwhere else, anywhere but here."

this feels so real.

no need to say goodbye

"I hope there are days when you fall in love with being alive." - anonymous.

  I wonder what happens to us when we cross that invisible line into the beyond. I once heard that they grey rain curtain rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it. Beyond.

It is such a strange world. We are so insignificant compared to the vast expanse of the universe and yet to be capable of feeling so much and so powerfully must mean something. I cannot get over the way you can look up at the sky and see the stars and feel so overwhelmed by the beauty of it all, or how you can look out at the see and feel this ache because there aren't any words to describe what goes on in your mind. It almost feels like you've already taken that step beyond.

And yet so many people don't see it. People look for magic in the literal sense, in coloured smoke and flashes of light. They expect to see what's beyond when the time has come. But why wait? Why not open your mind to the magic that lives around us and fall in love with life all over again each day? There is so much to see and so much to live for. Don't wait until your time is up to see beyond what your eyes show you. Look beyond.

the end

How do you begin to think about the end? How do you begin to say what it feels like, when there aren't words to describe it? How do you know that it's the beginning of the end, or the end of the end, or the end itself? How can you tell that the unbearable pain you're feeling is what the end feels like? How do you tell yourself it's okay, that it'll be over soon? How do you even begin to breathe again?

The world is a strange place, filled with so much beauty and so much joy and yet so much sadness. It's difficult to understand where it all comes from, how it's possible to be surrounded by beauty and sometimes not feel it. The world is filled with so much opportunity and yet we wait another minute, another day. But how do you know that this day won't be your last? How do you know that this is not the beginning of a sequence of events that will lead to the end, when you will have to put down the pen, and stop writing your story? How do you know without looking that you've run out of ink, or that there's no more paper left. Opportunities are the home of hope, and paths to the future, and they shouldn't be wasted. The pain felt at lost opportunity is not worth feeling, because there is so much beauty in the world that it would be so terrible to waste.

We will never know what the end will feel like. It can feel like it's the end when you're drowning in your thoughts and the pain has a grip on you that it cannot, will not let go of. It can feel like the end when you cannot breathe through the worst of it, or when you cannot see through the tears, and yet it isn't the end.The end is terrible, and yet beautiful. It is a journey. So really, it isn't the end. It is a momentary point in your life when it feels like it's the end because the pain is too much to handle. And yet, we are never given more than we can handle.

It might feel like the world is crashing about you, or like you are feet away from the surface but you can't get any air into your lungs. And it might not feel like a moment, but more like a day, stretched eternally over the horizon. It might feel like the sun has disappeared, and you're left with nothing but a neverending night.

But look up. There are the stars.

this is how i disappear

close your eyes. keep breathing. this isn't everything you are. it's only how to disappear.

you're a ghost in a deserted street, and it's okay because no one can see you. the sound of your breaths and the rain fill your mind. if you concentrate on them, the memories won't swallow you whole, and you can breathe another day.

so keep your eyes closed. disappear. it's okay.

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep

why do people fall in love? how do you meet the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with? i mean, i understand that life isn't supposed to be easy... or is it just easier for some people and not for others? but really though. why do people fall in love?

it's rather selfish to not believe in love. but the thought occurred to me: falling in love with something or someone just gives that something or that someone the one weapon that can hurt you above all else. say that thing or person you love was taken from you. how would you feel then? wouldn't it be easier to just not love, because doing so would guard your heart from that inevitable pain? in the emergency room, they would ask you 'how's your pain from 1 to 10?' and maybe that 10 doesn't refer to physical pain. and i know this is just the crazy rantings of an insomniac but isn't it easier just to keep your head down and be invisible?

and then the answer presents itself. yes. it is easier. but then loving something or someone isn't about yourself. my limited experience tells me that love isn't about yourself. it's about what you give. and it's okay to be hurt because at least it's not someone else, right? be brave. be strong. take it so someone else doesn't have to. it isn't supposed to be easy.

so maybe that's why people fall in love. maybe that's why people are okay with it not being easy. it's not supposed to be. it's not about you.

i'm better off on my own

it's just easier that way.

everything has changed

people die. every day. each day, every second, somewhere in the world someone is closing their eyes for the last time, taking a last breath, losing a fight for their life.

and the worst part is that there's nothing we can do to stop it.

oh, we can come up with medications to prolong life. we can study for years on how to make youthful years last longer, make ourselves look younger, more beautiful, more perfect. but there's no stopping it. some day we're all going to close our eyes one last time and head on to another strange adventure in another world.

so if we can't stop what's coming, we just have to wait for it, right?

don't wait until someone is gone to say you are sorry. don't wait until someone is sick to visit them and be the best friend you could be. don't wait until someone is on the verge of heading off to the next life to make amends for your past mistakes. take the opportunity, each and every day, to be the best person you can be, not for yourself, but for the people around you. love, because you can, because the world always needs a little more love. put down the weapons, a war is not worth fighting. the man standing across you with a gun is someone's son and has a life too. don't wait until an enemy is gone to say you're guilty enough to say you're sorry for whatever made you enemies in the first place.  don't wait until someone is gone to the place you cannot follow - at least not for now - until you realize that there's so much more to say.

because, really. there's so much more to say. don't wait to say it.
wherever in the world you are right now, imagine that you are invisible. imagine that you are nothing but air, a ghost behind a glass. you are silent, watchful. you are words unspoken, an invisible wanting.

imagine that you have the freedom of travelling wherever you want, all around the world without the necessecity of a car, plane, boat, bike or any other method of trasnportation. you can hear everything, see everything. you can feel everything. imagine the sights, the vast oceans, the towering cities, the proud mountains.

you'd know exactly how people look at you. you'd know what people believe, why they do the things that they do. you'd be able to see what people go through every day, even if they live miles and miles from where you do, entire states, countries, oceans away. you might realize that right in this moment, there is someone starving for a piece of bread, parched from days of scorching heat. you might realise that somewhere a motherless child is crying for come company. you might realize that even though your life has been pretty great, there are people suffering.

do something for someone else today. smile at a stranger in the street. pay your sibling a compliment. write a postive note and leave it on a park bench for someone to read. make someone feel happy.

being that invisible person has its advantages. you get the chance to listen. 
there are just those days when nothing falls into place. everything refuses to work the way it's supposed to. everything you want slips through your fingers like the water you're trying so hard to hold. you fold the paper cranes but they fly away from your grasp. you wish and you want, but the candles you blow out are just smoke in the dark. 

and yet, there's always that one thing which turns out alright in the end. after an entire hour and a half of a bad horror movie, there's still the 'and they lived happily ever after'. you can turn the page and find the ending you've been looking for. we won't break, we won't die. it's just a moment of change. 

let the water slip through your fingers. let everything slide out of place. if it's meant to be then eventually it'll end up exactly where it's meant to be. 

oh, and by the way. happy halloween!